Thoughts: Stranded
by Candy
Summary: I… I… I WANT TO KILL MYSELF…! So I can't LIVE SeeD anymore...


Author's Note:

Author's Note:

Candy: Well I haven't been around in the LONGSET time. (Bows humbly) I apologize. 

For those of you who read my other stories: "I Shall Forever See Angel Wings" and "Just Kids" you may remember me. I'm Candy. For those of you who don't… I'm Candy.

Ok, I have a monologue for you. Um… it's about Quistis… um, enjoy. I did this as if it were a play monologue… so (action) is an action or stage direction… understood? I guess this could be part of a FFVIII play or something. I'll eventually do one for each character… if you'd like me to. Please review and tell me.

Disclaimer: I own the lint in my pocket. This piece is inspired by the song Stranded from the "Drive Me Crazy" soundtrack.

Thoughts: Stranded: Quistis __

By: Candy

(Scene: Balamb Garden, right after the SeeD Exams)

(QUISTIS enters. She's wearing her SeeD uniform. She takes centerstage as a light shines down on her. We see a stone bench and fountain in the backround. SELPHIE, SQUALL, and ZELL lounge on it. She shifts uncomfortably for a moment and looks over at them. We assume they cannot hear her.)

QUISTIS: Now that I look back on it… I never really wanted all this. I just wanted to be a normal kid… I didn't want to grow up as fast as I did. But I couldn't change it. (Pauses) I can't really change anything.(Shakes head and moves to sit off the ledge of the stage)

I… I'm still just a kid… barely 18. How the hell can I be expected to do all the things they ask me to do? (Pauses, shakes head) It's not fair… Not to me… not to my "students"… not to anyone. (Looks down) By putting me in charge of the future SeeDs of Balamb Garden… Headmaster Cid was making a mistake. (Long Pause) Correction… a BIG mistake… (Pause)

(Stands up and crosses over to the fountain, sitting on the edge of it, looking down at her reflection) I guess when they asked me to become a SeeD, I thought I could do it. (Smiles) I thought I could change the world. I was only 15 then… the youngest person to pass the SeeD exam. (Pauses) I was ecstatic. I guess… 

(Sighs) I guess I never thought of all the responsibilities… the consequences of becoming a young leader. But… would you? I mean think about it. You're a young 15 year old girl achieving your so called dream… living out your supposed fantasy… Tell me… (Pause) Would you think?

Two years later, they upped me… to instructor. (Pause) The second they did that, my childhood was over. I was never really a child at all. I was a child PRODIGY. I was SPECIAL. I remember the instructors always saying that I had a "GIFT". (Laughs) What kind of gift?

(Sighs)

I was elated at the time. I mean it was all I ever thought about. All day, all night, all week, all month, all year… SeeD, SeeD, SeeD, SeeD… I ate, slept, drank, read, LIVED… SeeD. But… I wasn't Quistis anymore, I was SeeD Instructor Trepe. I lost myself… (Long Pause) I started to get depressed… I mean I never got to do anything. Everyone was intimidated by me… I wasn't loved… I was feared. I tried to ignore it, but I didn't know how… I still don't quite know… I mean all I want now…(Sighs and shakes head)

My entire idea of becoming a SeeD was a misconception. I thought that I would be riding high and might. (Shuts eyes, and whispers) On top of the world… (Shakes head) I just never thought there'd be so much work… So much stress… So much fear. I constantly fear failing others… 

(Long Pause)

I'm quite jealous of some of my students… (Pause) Do you know how strange it is to call someone 1 year my junior a STUDENT? 

(Laughs bitterly, looks at SQUALL, SELPHIE and ZELL sitting on the bench.)

I am jealous though. They get to have fun… all the time. I mean… I take a look at Selphie, Zell… hell… even Squall and Seifer at times… And I get… I get angry. (Clenches fist, stands up and glares at the threesome on the bench) I get… SO… ANGRY! 

(Takes in a breath and shuts eyes)

I just want to SCREAM madly at the top of my lungs! (Paces nervously) I want to… I want to… ring someone's neck… I want to ring my own neck… I want to… to just suffocate myself so I can't breathe SeeD anymore. I want to starve myself so I can't eat SeeD anymore… I… I… I WANT TO KILL MYSELF…! (Pants a moment, Long pause) So I can't live SeeD anymore. 

(Looks sullenly over at the three and slumps to her knees) I just… I just want to be one of them… (Brokenly) I want what they take for granted… (Sobs) I want my childhood back.

(Pause, controls herself) 

Anyway… They relieved me of my position as instructor today… They said that I had no leadership qualities… I wasn't fit to be an instructor… I should be happy, right? This is what I've wanted. I'm just… I can just be… like them… But if this is what I wanted… why do I feel so… (Shakes head and looks down) Alone? Why do I feel so… (Pauses and looks up at the audience) Stranded?

(QUISTIS shakes her head, stands up and begins to exit to the stage right. She stops as she is about to leave, looks longingly at ZELL, SELPHIE, and SQUALL… She turns as if to go to them, stops, then turns and makes a hasty exit)

THE END

R and R please… tell me if I should write another… *bows humbly*


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